Breathing underwater
by Emma-face
Summary: After discovering the truth about Freddie's disappearance Effy breaks down and is brought back to the clinic. Katie is the one to be there for her and help her through. New feelings develop that shock both of them. Keffy set after 408
1. Chapter 1

"He fucking killed him!" Cook bursts into the room in tears. His face red and his hands covered in blood.

"What?" Someone, I think JJ asks.

"Who?" Katie sounds confused.

"Freddie...he fucking killed Freddie." Cook breaks down a little more right there on the floor of the shed. My heart stops and my stomach lurches. Freddie. Dead? I can't breathe.

"Who Cook?" Karen demands frantically, she is visibly shaking. "Who killed him?"

"That dickhead. John Foster, that creep from the hospital that was following Eff." He sobs.

"What?" I don't know where I summoned my voice from but it sounds all wrong. Shaky and weak.

"I was out takin' a piss right and I heard someone pokin' around so I investigate and I follow this bloke back to a house. I break in to find out who the fuck was pokin' around spyin' on a bunch of kids and I find boxes filled with stuff." His voices cracks a bit. "And in one of them he's got Freddie's t-shirt and his favourite shoes in little plastic bags. Covered in blood."

A gasp of shock passes round the room; Pandora clings to Thomas, Emily hides her face in Naomi's hair. JJ's mouth falls open and he sinks to the floor. Karen is just in shock shaking her head, gripping her hair. Katie crosses the room and sits down beside me.

"Are you sure?" Someone asks.

"He fuckin' attacked me." Cook growls. His sadness being replaced with anger again. "I had to teach him a lesson. He killed my fucking friend!"

"What did you do?" Naomi asks; her voice filled with concern.

"I didn't kill him." Cook assured them. "I thought it'd be better to let the bastard rot in prison."

"Then where is he?" Naomi seemed to be the only one capable of logical thought at the moment. Cook doesn't say anything he just moves to the door and grabs something from outside. Its John's unconscious and bleeding body, his hands and feet loosely bound.

"We need to call the police." Naomi has to shout to be heard over the chaos that's just broken out. JJ's gotten locked on and is mid panic attack on the floor. Karen screams and Pandora begins to sob. I try to stand up. I don't know why but I do. I need to move. I need to run. I can't deal with this.

Freddie is dead.

John Foster killed him.

I try to run but I'm frozen so I settle for howling like a banshee. I start to fall to the floor, the room fading into darkness as I do. Katie catches me and helps me to the couch.

"Effy? Effy?" She screams frantically but I can't answer her.

-

I wake up in a hospital bed. It's a different hospital than last time though. I can understand why, considering my doctor from the other hospital killed my boyfriend. The one person in my whole fucked up life that I thought I could trust turned out to be more psychotic than I ever was. It must be my fault. Fuck even when I try to get help someone's life gets ruined. Or rather ended. It's my fault. Definitely me.

I sit up slightly in my bed. This hospital is brighter than the last one. The walls here are nice bright yellow instead of stark white. It's a shame really the white walls had reminded me of home. Looking around the room I'm shocked to find Katie sleeping in the armchair by my bed. What the fuck?

My head doesn't know how to process that. It's still struggling with the information that my doctor killed my boyfriend. I stare out the window until my eyes go out of focus. I figure it must be the morning since the sun is only rising in the sky and Katie is still asleep.

"Good morning deary!" A far too cheerful voice steals my attention and stirs Katie from her sleep. "Good to see you awake."

The woman, probably in her 40s with greying brown hair and friendly brown eyes, approaches my bed.

"Hey you're up." Katie smiles tentatively when she wakes properly. I don't respond to either of them.

"I'm Nurse Williams. How are you feeling today?" She asks in a friendly voice. I don't respond though, I just stare at her silently. I see her glance at Katie.

"Don't feel like talking, that's ok?" She's still smiling. "I bet you friend is glad to see you up. She's been here for days looking out for you."

I give Katie a look of intrigue and confusion. She blushes slightly and shrugs, looking out the window.

"I'll just leave you two alone for a bit, maybe you want to talk to your friend. I'll go tell the doctors you're awake and call your mum." Nurse Williams is still smiling when she leaves the room.

I look at Katie, asking with my eyes what day it is and to my surprise she actually seems to understand me.

"It's Thursday. You we're brought in on Monday." She explains sounding worried. "They had to sedate you...a couple of times." She adds quietly, painfully reminded of watching them hold Effy down and inject her to stop her screaming.

I think about this for a while. I've lost about 2 days but at least I feel rested. I still don't feel like talking, I can see that it's killing Katie; she's not used to silence. But talking is a waste of time. I only cause destruction in people's lives, at least if I don't speak I can minimise the damage. Still I wonder what she's doing here. I give her another appraising look. Again she seems to get what I'm asking.

"I was worried about you." She whispers. "We all were. Cook's in custody, they're taking his statement but they say they won't press charges because it was self defence but he's still in trouble for, ya know escaping from prison. Emily and Naomi were here yesterday, and Pandora. And well your mum's just left because well, she _really_ needed a shower."

I manage a weak smile. So she was here. She hadn't abandoned me, well not yet anyway. It won't be long though. I'm a life ruiner. No one wants to be around that for too long. Katie looks at me; those chocolate brown eyes are begging me to speak, to say something, anything to her but I can't. I don't want to ruin her life like I have everyone else's. Perhaps if I stay silent for long enough she'll get fed up and leave. That would be best for her.

There was a knock at the door and a tall, bald man wearing a white coat entered the room. Must be my doctor. I stare at him and he smiles that smile they teach them to use when working with crazy people at medical school.

"Hello Elizabeth, I'm Dr McAdams. It's good to see you up and feeling a bit better today." I don't say anything. He looks a Katie now. "I'm sorry but could you excuse us for a minute I need to examine Elizabeth."

Katie gets up immediately, nervous, worried, she looks back over her shoulder at me before she leaves. My eyes are pleading with her not to go.

"I'll just be outside." She promises. I actually believe her. It doesn't seem like she's going anywhere.

"You've been through quite a time of it haven't you?" The doctor says as he slides the blood pressure cuff up my arm. I glare at him. "But don't worry; we'll soon have you back to your old self." He smiles. I really want to hit him. I might have suffered a psychotic break but there's no need for him to patronise me. I'm still mentally competent.

"Tell me Elizabeth..." He says, looking at me over the chart where he is marking my vital statistics. "How do you feel about all of this?"

What a stupid fucking question! I wish Katie was back in here. I look at the door as though my eyes could penetrate the wood and pull her back in here with me. She would mouth at this dickhead. I smile a little thinking about what she would say. Dr Dickhead mistakes this for something else and notes it down. Probably thinks I'm not quite the full picnic yet, but he's wrong.

"Hmm..." He frowns. "The nurses said you weren't talking yet." He scratches his bald head.

"Well...all in your own time I suppose." He shrugs as if he can't possibly understand why I refuse to speak. "But still, if you're up and feeling better we might as well start your treatment." He is pleased by affirmative action and walks out of the room without another word. No point talking if no one is responding. I feel a wave of relief wash over me the second Katie is back in the room.

"What a wanker?" She wrinkles her nose and looks to the door where Dr McAdams has just disappeared. I smile again; it feels strange but it makes Katie's eyes twinkle that she's made me smile. She sits down beside me on the bed and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I'm surprised when the contact feels nice.

"Fucksake Eff." She shakes her head and smiles. "What are we going to do with you?"

I look deep into her eyes. They're so warm and loving I allow myself to sink into them, getting lost in a world that's not completely fucked up by my existence. She looks back at me, both willing me better and willing me to speak. The door opening interrupts the moment.

"Hello love. They said you were awake." Anthea rushes to my side. Katie jumps off the bed to get out of her way and moves back to the armchair. I look sadly from her to the bed and she gets the hint and comes back to sit on my other side. Mum actually notices this.

"Not talking is she?" She asks Katie with a sigh.

"No. Not since she woke up. Not to me, not to the nurses or the doctor." The brunette shrugs. I can tell she wishes there was something she could do.

"That's alright. She'll come round." She smiles lovingly at me and brushes my hair out of my face.

"Right." Katie says hopefully. It seems like there has been a friendship formed between them in the last few days. I don't think my mum has ever really spoken to any of my friends before except for Pandora and she doesn't quite understand Pandora. It's strange.

"I better get going actually." Katie says after a minute or two of silence. My head whips round to look at her and I'm perplexed to find that I feel distraught. Like someone is slowly sucking all the air from the room. Of course she picks up on it.

"It's alright I'll be back." She assures me. "I gave off to your mum this morning because she hadn't showered in days and I'm not exactly fresh myself. And I need to change I look like some kind of tramp I've been wearing these clothes since the party."

It's only when she points it out that I notice. Still, they're nice clothes.

"Naomi and Emily will be so glad to hear you're awake." She adds with a smile. "Think you'll be up for visitors later?"

I look at her, my eyes frozen wide. Why would they come here when I refuse to speak to anyone? But I want Katie to come back.

"I get it not yet. Maybe in a couple of days. I'll come back though, yeah?" She looks for approval. I nod. I need her to come back. "And I won't smell quite so much." She smiles shyly as she leaves the room. I watch the door for ages after she's gone. No doubt my new observant mother notices my behaviour but she doesn't mention it. I can't explain it and I don't have the energy to think about it. All I know is that having Katie around makes me feel better. So I wait patiently for her return.


	2. Chapter 2

True to her word Katie returns after a few hours. It probably takes some time travelling to this hospital, it's further away than the other one. I feel an odd sensation of relief and happiness when she walks through the door now dressed in more comfortable clothing; not that I'm in any position to talk about anyone's outfit I'm wearing yellow hospital pyjamas that are about 6 sixes too big. I smile back at her and she sits down at the bottom of my bed.

"I told you I'd be back." She tells me, as if she knew I'd spent the better part of an hour wondering whether she would. I smile and nod. She makes small talk with my mum for a while; the conversation seems quite effortless really. It makes me wonder what they've been talking about while I was sedated.

"I'm starved." Mum says after her stomach rumbles loudly.

"The food here isn't great is it?" Katie wrinkles her nose. I don't really know since all they've offered me so far is toast; can't really ruin toast. Although now that she mentions it I am feeling rather hungry myself.

"I could nip out and get us something." She seems quite pleased with herself for coming up with the idea. She grabs her handbag and asks Katie what she would like. The brunette is really grateful over not having to eat anymore hospital food.

"I won't be long." She promises before she leaves. I'm glad but I don't feel the same panic over her leaving as I did when Katie left. It's just me and the older twin now. She's still perched on the end of my bed. I find it comforting.

"These walls are a horrible colour." She shakes her head as she stares at the fucking hideous shade of yellow in the walls. I nod to show that I agree. I miss the white walls. Whoever said yellow is a cheerful colour obviously hadn't spent any amount of time in this room.

"Come on. Let's get out of here." Katie says, getting to her feet and holding out her hand. I look at her like she should be the one wearing yellow pyjamas. "Don't they say that fresh air is good for you or something?"

I jump out of bed, anything is better than this garish room and from what I've seen out the window the gardens look kind of nice here. Katie opens the door and does a quick scan to see if there are any doctors or nurses lurking. When the coast is clear she grabs my hand and half drags me down the hall. It's a good thing too because I would have no idea where to go otherwise. We're giggling when we burst through the doors and into the open air. The wind blows against my skin and through my hair; it feels great. I close my eyes and hold my hand out, fingers spread, just enjoying the feeling. When I open my eyes again Katie is watching me with this cute little smile on her face. I smile back at her.

"Let's take a walk." She says taking my hand again and holding it in her own. It seems slightly strange but I like the feeling. "Everyone was glad to hear you're awake. They all hope you get better soon and want to come visit as soon as you're ready."

I thank her with my eyes for keeping everyone up to date. I can tell she knows I will let her know as soon as I'm ready. We walk a bit further into the garden, tall hedges form a square in the centre and there are benches scattered all over the place. Crazy people mustn't like to walk too far without having a sit down. When we're inside the square Katie stops and sits down.

"I have something for you. I wasn't sure if you'd be allowed but..." She smiles impishly and opens her handbag. She pulls out a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. I am delighted to see them. I've been dying for a smoke.

"I thought you'd need a fag." She grins, knowing how pleased I am. She passes the cigarettes to me and I take one from the packet. I offer her one and am surprised when she accepts. I guess she's feeling a little stressed right now. I give her a sly look and she rolls her eyes.

"No you're definitely not allowed anything stronger." She half laughs. "Let's at least try to get you better before you start taking mind altering drugs again eh?"

I chuckled. You can't blame a girl for trying. We puff away in silence for a while. I notice she's actually inhaling properly this time and it sends me back to that day I found her looking so lost and broken by the river. The day she had tried and failed miserably to smoke a cigarette and I had to show her how. Despite the circumstances it was actually a nice day in the end. Katie had changed. She wasn't the shallow narcissistic person she used to be and she didn't expect anything from me. Not like Freddie. Or my mum. Or everyone else in the world. That day she had just been happy to have someone to talk to. Truth be told I was happy to have someone to talk to too. I like the new Katie.

"We should get back inside before your mum arrives back with the food." She says disposing of her cigarette butt in the hedge. I do the same. On the way back to my room she takes my hand again. It feels really nice being that close to her. The nurses give us a funny look when we walk back towards my room no doubt smelling like smoke. We laugh to ourselves and speed up our walk. When we're back in my room Katie lies up in bed beside me.

"You should get a TV in here or something." She laughs. I laugh too but I realise it must be tough for her sitting here all day with me refusing to speak. It's not that I don't want to talk to her; it's just right now I don't see the point. I like Katie, why would I want to fuck her life up? Although I'm surprised by how well she understands me communicating without words. Mum and Dad never really got the hang of it. At least when mum comes back with the food she has someone to answer her when she speaks.

-

The more Katie is around me the more human I start to feel. Sometimes she talks, sometimes she just sits with me staring out the window or watching me intently. I love the feeling I get when I wake up to find her watching me with a little smile on her face. Right now she's telling me about her mum's business.

"I don't know what she thought it would be like but all she does now is complain about how much work she has to do. She keeps bugging me about when I'm going to come back to help her out."

I feel guilty because she should be at work helping her mum. Or at least out in the real world having a life, instead of being stuck here in the loony bin with me. But the thought of being here without her makes me hyperventilate. Katie looks at me and it's clear she can see the guilt and fear written on my face.

"But I told her I was going to be here for as long as you needed me. It's her business anyway she should be the one running it!" The brunette said pointedly. I smile because that means she'll be around for longer. And it would seem she doesn't mind being here either.

"Naomi and Emily were asking about you again." She informs me with a look that tells me what she's going to say before she says it. "They keep asking when they can come visit."

I look at her. I'm still uncertain but with Katie by my side I feel a little better every day. It would be nice to see them again. I bite my lips nervously.

"Maybe tomorrow they can come with me?" She says hopefully. Her brown eyes dancing, as though allowing them to visit means I'm getting better. I nod very slightly, feeling my heart slow in my chest as I do. I don't know if I'm ready for this. We're interrupted by the wonderful Dr Dickhead. It must be three o'clock meaning he's here to see if he can convince me to go to group therapy today. Just like he has every day for the past week.

"Good afternoon Elizabeth, how are you feeling today?" He smiles falsely and hopes desperately for an answer. It amazes me that I've been here for almost 2 weeks now and he still hasn't bothered to learn Katie's name. At least she would answer him when he asked her how she was or greeted her.

"Still not talking." He says not even bothering to hide his frustration anymore. "Do you feel like coming to the group session today?"

I look at him in disbelief. What would be the point in me going to a group therapy session when I refuse to speak? So I could listen to other people's problems?

"No?" He is clearly disappointed. "Alright, maybe tomorrow."

He gives me another false smile before he leaves the room.

"What an asshole!" Katie rolls her eyes. "I thought you had to be smart to be a doctor?"

I laugh. I've been doing that more and more around Katie. I never realised she was funny.

"So tomorrow?" She nods encouragingly. I nervously suck the air in passed my teeth. Part of me, a very, very big part, wants to shake my head and say no because I don't know if I'm ready to see them. To have them see me like this. But the other part, the part that is winning the argument, wants me to do this so Katie can see I'm getting better. Even if it is slowly. I want to show her how much she is helping me. I think this is a good way to do that. So I agree.

"Great!" She smiles brightly and it lights up her face. She really is beautiful. I never took the time to notice before. She quickly pulls out her phone and texts the good news to our friends. I smile too because hers is infectious.

While she texts she rattles off some story involving Emily and Naomi. Something about them being back in the honeymoon period again and it being near impossible to get them to leave Naomi's house. I'm glad they're back to being a happy couple again. All the drama between them was driving us all crazy. How can two people so obviously destined for each other be so oblivious to it? How can they hurt each other so much without even meaning too? That's part of what put me off the whole idea of love. But Emily and Naomi believed in it. They suffered through. And from the stories Katie has been telling me it seems to be worth it.

"So now I know to knock and wait before entering the room because I never wanna walk in on _that_ again." She shudders at the thought and I chuckle at her cuteness. "Anyway your mum should be back soon."

I look at the time and see she's right. Time seems to pass quicker when Katie is around. Last week through the medium of scribbling on paper I insisted mum return to work. She was around all the time and being so fucking Stepford it was freaking me out. At least with her back at work there's some normalcy about her when she comes in ranting about the assholes in the office. When she's vented she and Katie fall into natural conversation. Again. That kind of freaks me out as well, but in other ways I think it's kind of nice. Though I have, again through messages written on paper, asked them time and time again to go home at night they both insist on staying here with me. The nurses brought a temporary bed in for my mum but I feel bad for poor Katie sleeping in that chair all the time. It can't be comfortable. I feel my eyes start to get heavy around 10 o'clock. I'm convinced they're slipping me something to make this happen, either that or it's a side effect of one of the other pills I'm taking. I've never been tired at 10 o'clock before in my life. I stifle another yawn and stay tuned into the conversation they're having.

Katie gives me this amused look as she watches me pointlessly battle to stay awake. I glare at her slightly and she just smiles. It makes me smile too. I move over slightly in my bed and gesture for her to get in beside me. She shouldn't be sleeping in that arm chair when there's more than enough room for both of us in this bed. She looks at me cautiously so I gesture again, this time in a more demanding fashion so that she joins me on the bed. Katie sits on top of it, obviously thinking I just want her to sit with me for a while so I pull back the covers and throw them over her. This time she gets the hint, studying my face and asking me if I'm sure. I roll my eyes and nod. My mum gives us this look like she's wondering what's going on but she says nothing. Katie makes herself comfortable in the bed, thanking me over and over again for offering to share with her. I give her a look that says it's nothing and secretly wish I'd had the wit to ask her sooner. With her in bed beside me I am oddly comfortable. I feel more at ease than ever as I curl into her side and let the sleep take me.

"She agreed to let the others come visit tomorrow." I can hear her tell my mum just before I fall asleep.

"That's fantastic." Anthea sounds relieved. They're quiet for a moment.

"You're really helping her." Mum says gratefully. Katie sucks in a quick breath. I think for once she's at a loss for words but then she gathers herself.

"I'm glad." She says quietly and I feel her softly running her fingers through my hair.

-

I wake up the next morning feeling well rested. My head is resting on Katie's shoulder and her arm is wrapped tightly around me. It feels so nice to have her holding me like that. It might be silly but I stay as still as possible, trying not to wake the others up, just so I can enjoy this feeling for longer. I end up drifting back to sleep breathing in the scent of Katie Fitch. When I wake up again both Katie and Anthea are up too. I'm pleasantly surprised to find Katie hasn't moved and her arm is still very firmly planted on my waist.

"Hey you're up." She says her voice still hoarse from sleep. "How did you sleep?"

The large grin on my face tells her I slept well. She smiles back.

"I'd like to think so; you were snoring half the night!" She scoffs and I glare at her but she just laughs. I do not fucking snore.

"Yes you do." Mum nods. "Sometimes."

Katie giggles while I scowl. She bites her lip to suppress is but it hardly works. I end up giving up trying to maintain my steely stare and laugh a little too.

"Are you going to be alright on your own for a while today?" Mum asks with great concern. I roll my eyes at her. I'm hardly alone after all, with the doctors and nurses barging in every hour or so to check me out and make sure I haven't hurt myself or escaped.

"I won't be gone long." Katie assures her before she has a chance to suggest taking the day off work. Thank fuck for Katie knowing how opposed I am to the idea without me having to tell her. I give her a smile of thanks.

They leave together, mum offering to drop Katie home on her way to work and save her the bus fare. I imagine most of the journey will be spent discussing me and the impending visitors. I am more anxious than usual in Katie's absence today, probably because I am very aware of the fact that she will be returning with company. I just don't know what to expect when Naomi and Emily come today. How will they react to me? Do they blame me for what happened to Freddie? They should. It was my fault after all. Maybe it would be better if they just didn't come. I panic. Breathing becomes more difficult, coming in short gasps as the fear spreads. I think of Katie. Only Katie. I start to relax a little. I focus on why I'm doing this rather than anything else. I can do this. I can do it for Katie.

Fuck I need a distraction. I buzz the nurses' station and am pleased when Nurse Williams appears at my door. I smile at her and hold up a piece of paper telling her I would like to go shower. She smiles and nods encouragingly. Some of the other nurses have made it fairly obvious they do not appreciate my chosen method of communication but Nurse Williams doesn't seem to mind. She just seems pleased that I'm communicating. I like her; excessive cheeriness aside.

"Oh yes. Katie said your friends were coming to visit." Her brown eyes dance when she smiles, not unlike another pair of brown eyes I've been spending a lot of time looking into recently. I nod and force a smile despite the butterflies in my stomach making me feel like I'm about ready to throw up.

"Well let's get you ready for them then." She grins and leads me out of the room. I'm surprised she doesn't insist on putting me in a wheelchair to bring me to the shower room. It really irks me that I have to even ask when I want to have a shower. I mean, seriously. She is polite enough to wait outside while I shower.

It feels good standing under the powerful jet of hot water. If I try hard I can push all thoughts of Naomi and Emily out of my head. I can push all thoughts of this place, of Freddie, of John, my mum, Tony, everyone out of my head. Except for that brunette twin. I can't push her out of my head. Part of me is afraid if I do I will collapse. Part of me really just doesn't want her to be out of my head. I find my mind lingering on certain thoughts, like how good it felt waking up beside her or how her face lit up when I smiled because she snuck me in some cigarettes. I smile to myself as I turn off the water and step back out into the real world.

I feel much better when Nurse Williams accompanies me back to my room. In my nice, fresh, yellow hospital pyjamas that are still 6 sizes too big I settle on top of my newly made bed. I really do look ready for company now, or so Nurse Williams tells me with another beaming smile before she toddles off down the hall.

It isn't long before Katie returns. Naturally I hear her before I see her. I can't help but laugh when I hear her ordering Emily and Naomi to wait outside for a minute while she makes sure I am alright. Naomi makes a comment in response which Katie ignores and opens the door.

"Hey." She looks pleased to see me up and looking fresh. She takes it as enthusiasm for my visitors. "How are you doing?"

I shrug, pressing my lips together tightly, still fighting the urge to vomit. She looks at me with a worried expression on her face.

"You still want to do this?" She asks uncertainly biting her lower lip. I draw a deep breath and look deep into her brown eyes trying to summon some of her strength. I force a smile and nod once. They're already here, why waste a trip?

"You can do this." She squeezes my hand to reassure me.

"Ok you can come in now." She yells, jumping up on the bed beside me. Naomi and Emily tentatively push open the door and slowly move inside.

"Hi!" They greet me brightly with big smiles that I'm surprised are not at all patronising. I smile back at them. Katie has obviously informed them about my silence because they don't seem shocked or even expect a reply.

"How are you feeling?" Emily asks softly. For the first time I notice her eyes are a slightly different colour to Katie's. I smile and nod.

"Good." She smiles. Naomi approaches me with a plastic bag that looks like it's about to burst it's so full. I give her an inquisitive look, narrowing my eyes and looking from her to the bag and back again.

"Katie said you were getting a bit bored so we brought you some presents." She grins and hops onto the bottom of the bed. She proceeds to remove a stack of magazines at least 5 inches thick from the bag and hands them to me. I flick through them, half interested before handing them to Katie, who I know is more interested in them.

"Yeah I probably will get more entertainment from them." She chuckles in agreement. Naomi and Emily share a look over Katie's elaborate interpretation of my non-verbal communication. They seem surprised. Naturally, even I was surprised by how well she understands me.

"Anyway..." Naomi clears her throat and removes the next item from the bag. "I don't think Katiekins will be much help with these."

She gives me a book of crossword puzzles and I laugh. Katie's jaw drops in indignation and she glares at the blonde.

"Less of the smart ass comments Campbell! Or I will have them remove you from the building." She says like she has the authority to do that. I look into Naomi's blue eyes and use them to thank her, hoping to move the conversation along because I'm kind of curious to see what else is in that bag.

"You're welcome. Next we have...a colouring book." She grins with amusement opening it and flicking through it. I give her an un-amused look.

"Don't worry. We brought you crayons too." She rolls her eyes over dramatically. Emily chuckles, perching herself on the edge of my bed.

"The colouring book was Naomi's idea." She assures me.

"You told me you thought it was cute." The blonde pouts.

"I do." Emily assures her by rubbing her hand along her arm. They smile at each other and now I feel sick for a whole other reason. Katie was right about them being nauseating. I roll my eyes at the older twin and she knows exactly what I mean.

"I told you didn't I?" She shakes her head.

"No you really can't." She adds in response to the next look I give her. I feel Emily and Naomi's eyes on us once more.

"How are you doing that?" Naomi asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Doing what?" Katie looks confused, though I know exactly what she's talking about.

"Having a conversation." She looks between us. Katie looks to me and smiles.

"I don't know." She shrugs like she hadn't even noticed there was anything odd about it. "I'm just used to it I guess."

I nod in agreement. The couple share another questioning look before deciding to drop the subject.

"Anyway...Katie also told us the food here was shit so we brought a ton of crap for you to stash away." The red head smiles and gives me another bag of goods. I smile broadly at them but it doesn't feel like enough. I look to Katie, hoping she can take the hint.

"Effy would like to thank you for the gifts. It was very kind and she's glad you came to visit." The brunette translates on my behalf.

"No problem." They say after a minute of looking at us and wondering what's going on. I listen intently while they discuss inane things like what's been happening in the outside world, on television and interfamily disputes. They discuss their travel plans and for a while it's all too easy to forget where we are and why we're here.

"So can you smoke in this place?" Naomi asks, still addressing her questions to me even though she must know by now that Katie will be the one answering.

"Out in the grounds." She nods, although we've yet to establish whether you're actually allowed to smoke out there or if we just haven't been caught yet. As we slip out of the room they surround me, Emily and Katie by my sides and Naomi behind. It's like a poorly executed prison break which we all find highly amusing. Katie leads the way to what we have come to know as our bench. I sit on the arm rest with Katie at my feet. Emily sits beside her and Naomi perches herself on the back of the seat and shares her cigarette with the red head. They're a little surprised to see Katie smoking without being completely drunk but they say nothing. There's more chat and laughter as we spend some time basking in the late summer sunshine.

They are still there when mum arrives back from work. She has a massive grin on her face when she walks into the room; it's fairly obvious she too equates visitors with improvement and I am starting to agree. Their visit has made me think I might just be able to get better. It's late in the evening when Emily and Naomi leave. They say their goodbyes and Emily calls Katie outside for a private chat before they go. She probably wants to ask when she'll be coming home. If they have words in the hall I can't tell when Katie comes back into the room and gets onto the bed beside me. She has a smile on her face that rivals Anthea's.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" She asks happily. I shake my head and smile. I owe Katie a lot, probably more than she will ever know. I hope one day I can make it all up to her and show her how much I appreciate everything she is doing for me. I'm more tired than usual that night because of the busy day. My head finds that comfortable position on Katie's shoulder and my eyes start to close. I'm vaguely aware of them discussing the afternoon's events as I drift off to sleep, once again safe inside Katie's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

"Katie!" I wake up with a start, breathing heavily, and frantically looking around the room to find those brown eyes I've become so familiar with. She's standing in the window and turns immediately at the sound of by panicked cry. She looks shocked to hear my voice but she rushes towards the bed and takes me in her arms.

"I'm here." She repeats over and over again until my breathing returns to normal. "It's ok. I'm here."

I think that's the first nightmare I've had since I've been in here. They keep me so drugged up I hardly even dream anymore. It was terrible. The hospital was abandoned and I was alone running along the empty corridors from shadowy figures who spoke in John Foster's voice, promising they were going to fix me once and for all. I was searching in every room looking for Katie but I couldn't find her. It was like she had finally seen sense and left me like everyone else.

"Are you alright?" She asks when I've calmed down. I look into her coffee coloured eyes and nod. I even manage to force a smile.

"Good." She smiles back, relaxing her hold on me but not letting me go. "I have to say it was nice to hear your voice again." She smiles warmly.

I never thought anyone would ever say those words so genuinely, least of all Katie Fitch.

"Thanks." My voice comes out kind of hoarse. Her smile turns into a full on grin when she hears me speak again. It makes my heart feel a bit lighter.

"Anytime." She nods, not wanting to push me. A smug little grin pulls on the corners of her lips that she tries to hide from me. She looks quite adorable actually. I relax back onto the bed; completely at home in her arms. For a while I forget where we are and why we're here, something that seems near impossible when Katie is gone. I turn on my side, curling into her small body like she's my shield, and look deep into her eyes.

"How do you do it Katie?" I ask very quietly.

"Do what?" She looks confused.

"Make the voices stop." I smile weakly.

"Oh..." It took her by surprise; the fabulous Katie Fitch was finally at a loss for words. "I don't know...I didn't...do I?" She stammers. It was almost as adorable as her smug grin. I reach up with my hand and gently toy with an errant strand of hair before pushing it behind her ear and smiling at her.

"Yeah." I whisper, never breaking my eye contact with her. "You do."

I can practically see the pride swelling up in her when she full on grins at me, her brown eyes glittering more than any gemstone ever could.

"Well...good." She nods. "I mean that's good right?"

"Yes Katie." I chuckle softly, resting my head in the crook of her shoulder. "It's good."

I don't say much after that. I just remained in that spot, that endlessly comfortable spot on Katie's shoulder that feels like home, until the nurse comes in to tell me its lunchtime. I revert to the silent communication I've been using for the better part of a month now. Katie doesn't seem to mind. Nor does she mention it to my mum when she arrives later that afternoon. It remains something just between us. She just seems pleased that I uttered those few small words.

"Pandora is coming to visit tomorrow." Katie informs me. "She wants to see you as much as she can before she goes off to Harvard with Thomas."

Having visitors has almost become a weekly event, never too many though it case it upsets me; Katie's rules. Sometimes I feel bad that all these people are coming to visit me and I don't even speak to them. They don't seem to mind though. They've even started to get the hang of understanding what I'm saying with my eyes. None of them come even close to understanding me the way Katie does. None of them make me feel as calm as Katie does either.

"I've told her no stupid musical instruments this time though!" Katie says sternly. "I can't listen to anymore out of tune tin whistle...I just can't!"

I giggle at the look on the older twin's face.

"I still can't believe Pandora got into Harvard!" Mum shakes her head and chuckles. "I mean I'm sure she's very clever but she's a little bit...spacey, isn't she?"

"Just a little." Katie agrees sarcastically.

* * *

The next dream I have about Katie is far from being a nightmare. It's more like one of those dreams you refuse to wake up from because you want to pretend it's real for just a little bit longer. There's nothing especially remarkable about it except that in it I'm not in a mental hospital, I've never been crazy but Katie is still holding me. That's it. Just us on some random couch somewhere, talking about something entirely unimportant, but it feels so nice just to be lying there with her. She plants a soft kiss on my lips just as I'm unwillingly torn back to reality.

"How nice of you to join us in the waking world!" Katie teases. I pout, unhappy about being awake now, even though I know it's irrational.

"Oh don't be grumpy." She chastises me. "Pandora will be here soon!"

I give her a look that asks if that's supposed to stop me from being grumpy and she just laughs in response. There's a knock at the door. We both know its doctor dickhead before he even enters the room. He seems to be a creature of habit dropping in to have the same pointless and one-sided conversation at the same time every day. I'm starting to think he believes his persistence will eventually break my silence. He's wrong. The only person that I'm willing to break my silence for at the minute is Katie.

"Wanker!" I roll my eyes when he leaves causing Katie to giggle. Her laughter is like music; not lyrical or melodic though, more like offbeat jazz that only some people find appealing. To me it is a beautiful sound.

"I fucking hate this place!" I sigh. I do. I fucking hate everything about it. The ugly yellow walls, the hideous yellow pyjamas, the irritable nurses and the asshole doctors. I hate it!

"I know." She sighs too, looking at me with sad and sympathetic eyes.

When Pandora arrives it's like a breath of fresh air. Actually she's more like a whirlwind of fresh air. One of the things I've always loved about Pandora is the fact that she talks enough for both of us. Her energetic and occasionally incoherent ramblings more than make up for my silence.

"So Thommo and I have found this wicked apartment! It's dead close to the university. We were going to live in the halls or 'dorms' as they call them across the pond but then we thought they might be a bit funny about boys and girls sharing rooms. And what's the point in moving all the way to America with your boyfriend if you can't sleep together every night?" Katie and I both shrug and share a look. Panda might be older now, perhaps a little bit wiser but she's still exactly the same. That's another thing I love about her; her innocence.

"It all seems kinda real now." Katie muses. I give her a strange look because it feels like she just read my mind without me even having to look at her.

"I know! I've started packing and everything. Mum's gone into overdrive this week making checklists of all the things I might need to bring with me. Honestly I don't know how I'm gonna get all the stuff on a plane." She frowns thoughtfully.

"I'm sure you'll manage." Katie chuckles.

"Oh Eff! I'm really gonna miss you." She whimpers sadly, looking at me with big puppy dog eyes. I give her a sad smile that tells her I'll miss her too.

"It'll be ok though." She continues, ever the optimist. "I can e-mail you every day and poke you on facebook. And I can phone you sometimes too...you know if you start talking again. Before you know it we'll be back here on a holiday!" She smiles contentedly.

When Pandora leaves I feel quite sad. I can't imagine not being bombarded by her positivity and somewhat idiotic questions on a regular basis. As though she senses my sadness Katie slides onto the bed beside me, snaking her arm around my shoulders.

"You're really going to miss her aren't you?" She says softly. I nod morosely.

"You still have me." She chews her lower lip. My heart flutters slightly at the idea that I have her. We share a moment of heated eye contact before she clears her throat.

"And Naomi and Emily." She adds hastily. "And Cook...although I'm not sure how much use he'll be as a friend while he's in prison."

I look up at her sharply. She's heard something about Cook.

"Yeah I meant to tell you this morning; Naomi went to see him yesterday. She says he's doing alright." She assures me, she's speaking very softly and it makes her lisp more apparent. "They aren't going to charge him over the Foster thing, but he did, you know break out of prison, so...He says he's going to do his time."

My thoughts drift back to the conversation we had in the rain outside Uncle Keith's pub. Maybe he listened to me after all. It seems harsh but part of me thinks it's for the better, him being locked up at this time. God knows he'll need help to deal with Freddie's death and Cook has a bad habit of using his fists to deal with his emotions.

"He was asking about you." She informs me quietly. A single tear falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek. The room is so quiet I can practically hear the soft thud it makes when it falls from my chin onto the blanket.

"He'll be alright." Katie tells me as she pulls me into her arms and holds me tight. "He's Cook!"

I manage a small chuckle because I know she's right. He is Cook after all. He can handle anything.

* * *

"I don't suppose you feel up for another visitor?" Mum asks when she arrives, poking her head through the door but not actually entering the room. My brow furrows and I eye her curiously, wondering who she's talking about.

"Effy Stonem." A familiar voice says with mock disapproval. "What are we going to do with you?"

A huge grin spreads over my face when Tony walks into the room and wraps his arms around me. I can't believe he's actually here. It's been over 2 years since he's been to Bristol and almost a year since the last time I visited him. I didn't even know he was coming. I'm amazed mum managed to keep it from me. Over his shoulder I see her smiling happily at her children.

"I'd ask how you are but I think given the circumstances I believe that would be redundant." He chuckles. His blue eyes flicker over to Katie who is sitting in her chair by my bed smiling at us. I should have known she would be in on this.

"You must be Katie? The one who has been looking after my mad sister." He extends his hand to her.

"You must be Tony." She smiles as she shakes his hand. "Effy's mad brother."

"What can I say? I guess it runs in the family." He shrugs and pulls the other chair closer to my bed. "Although I got hit by a bus...what's your excuse?" He gives me a playful nudge. I roll my eyes at him.

"Tony, stop teasing your sister!" Anthea half heartedly scolds him. We exchange rolled eyes then I give him a querying look.

"I'm fine. Michelle is fine. Sid is still Sid and Cassie is still crazy." He rhymes of the answers to my questions. "Oh and Maxxie's still dancing, doing some small part in a play that I'm told is very close to making it onto the West end and teaching snobby kids in some posh London school how to dance."

"Michelle wanted to come with me but the dozy cow forgot to turn up for one of her exams so she's back in Cardiff cramming." He continues with a chuckle at his girlfriend's expense. That's a shame; I really like Michelle. "She does send her love and...We got you a present!"

I smile and look at him expectantly. Mum hands him the gift bag and he passes it to me.

"I thought Pato was getting a bit tired looking." He explains. I reach inside the bag and pull out a stuffed penguin with big blue eyes. It is really cute. I both grin at the thoughtfulness of the gift and cringe at the childishness of it.

"You don't really think that thing's going to replace Pato do you?" Mum scoffs.

"Yeah I'm fairly certain we're going to have to pry that thing from her cold dead hands." Katie chuckles too. She does have a point; before she came along Pato was like my security blanket, I wouldn't have let him go for anything. Now it seems I don't really need one as long as Katie is around.

"It needs a name." Tony says decidedly. I agree and look to Katie for suggestions. I want her to help name this new stuffed animal.

"What do you think Eff? Boy or a girl?" She asks. "I think it's a boy." She muses and I agree.

"What about Pingu?" Mum suggests. I think the look I give her accurately explains how unoriginal I think her suggestion is because she looks away and decides to leave the naming to us.

"What about Cody?" Katie offers. "I think he looks like a Cody!"

I look at the little stuffed bird appraisingly, repeating the name Cody a couple of times in my head. It seems to fit, though a part of me wonders if I only think that because Katie made the suggestion. I nod my agreement. He is definitely a Cody. When I look back at my brother's he is wearing a distinct look of intrigue as his eyes flicker between me and Katie. I don't think he's ever met anyone who can understand me as well as he can; it must be a bit of a shock to him.

"Well then," he frowns thoughtfully. "Now that that's settled I think we should eat. I just travelled all the way up here from Cardiff on an empty stomach."

"Is that Michelle not feeding you?" Anthea clucks her tongue disapprovingly.

"Oh she's feeding me just fine mother." He replies patronisingly but I sense an undertone of a dirty joke. "Thank God too because I don't know how I'd survive if she didn't." The sarcasm practically drips from his tongue when he speaks. Mum glares at him and shakes her head while heaving out a displeased sigh.

"So food then?" She relents eventually. She's probably just happy to have Tony home for a while.

"Thanks Mum!" He smiles. "That's very kind of you."

There's a brief moment where I can almost hear her ponder over whether or not he's being sincere. Eventually she just decides to take his words at face value, grabs her handbag and heads out the door.

"Well I'm off for a smoke before lunch; would you ladies care to join me?" He asks. We follow him outside to the benches. He looks around the grounds appraisingly, watching the people on the green playing bowls and partaking in a tai chi class; exercise designed to 'calm' them.

"Wow!" He scoffs. "This place is...great!"

"It's shit!" Katie puts it bluntly.

"Yeah it is shit." He agrees, his upper lip curling up in that distinctively Tony way.

"And it's really not doing her any good." She frowns looking at me pointedly. She's right any progress that I have made here has absolutely nothing to do with the doctors.

"I can see that." He says with thoughtful nod in my direction. He spends the rest of the cigarette and most of the time we're eating watching us with keen interest, analysing every look and touch we share; all the things I usually do to other people. It's kind of annoying when you're on the receiving end. Luckily Katie doesn't notice. Or at least if she does she doesn't comment on it. Mum is, of course, completely oblivious to it as always. She just rambles on with her mouth half full of an egg and onion sandwich, excitedly asking Tony about his course and Sid and Michelle. It's nice; familiar. Katie just slides into the conversation fluidly; I wouldn't expect anything less from the brunette, she could talk for England. Listening to her and my mum talk in the evenings you would swear they'd known each other for years.

I'm exhausted by the time mum suggests leaving but I don't want them to go. The slice of normality was so good I don't want it to end but I also don't want 4 people trying to sleep in this tiny little room and Tony must be wrecked from travelling. I can tell he doesn't want to leave; he's told me before that it kills him to see me this way, but I give him a stern look, insisting he goes home and gets some rest.

"She'll be fine." Katie tries to soothe him. "She has Pato...and Cody now too."

"And Katie." Mum adds. Katie's head snaps round quickly to look at her. I'll swear she's blushing too. This just seems to fuel Tony's newly acquired fascination with us.

"You'll be well looked after without me then." He smirks, eyes fixed on mine. I have to look away for fear my own eyes will betray me. I try scowling to cover it up. I don't think it works because he seems far too happy when he wishes me goodnight and hugs me before I leave. God knows what insight he'll have managed to gain by interrogating Anthea tonight. The poor, clueless woman who will unwillingly give away all my secrets kisses me softly on the head and gives Katie a hug before she leaves.

"So that was you're brother then." Katie comments when they're gone. "_The _Tony Stonem!"

I giggle and nod.

"I can see why all those girls in my year thought he was fit." She muses, nodding appreciatively, then looks at me with those amazing brown eyes and smiles. "Good looks definitely run in your family. As well as that weird staring thing that you do!" She adds pointedly. Apparently she did notice his staring. I just smile and shrug. It's nice having Tony back but his visit has completely worn me out. I curl into Katie's side and my eyes flutter shut.

"Sweet dreams." She whispers before I fall asleep. I grin; if only she knew.


	4. Chapter 4

Another week goes by in the mad house. Another week of silence. Another week of shit-stupid doctors trying to convince me to speak to them, as if talking to them will solve all my problems. Bull shit! There's only one thing making me feel like I might actually be something that resembles a human being and that's Katie. Admittedly the cocktail of pills they're feeding me has stopped the hallucinations and reduced the voices in my head to more of a whispering volume but it's really Katie who keeps me going. I don't know why but for some reason she's still here and I'm not going to complain. Tony continues to observe our every interaction; that smug, all knowing smirk ever present on his face. It irritates me endlessly; some days I'm actually relieved when he leaves.

The evenings are fast becoming my favourite part of the day. In the evenings the doctors give up on trying to coax me into therapy sessions and the nurses are comfortable enough to leave me in Katie's capable hands so it's just us alone in my room, without any interruptions or invasions from the outside world. It's a time when I can pretend we're somewhere else; somewhere that's not a clinic for the mentally ill, somewhere away from all this shit. She lies up on my bed beside me and flicks through the channels on the TV; she follows her soap routine as strictly as they follow my medication routine. I usually spend most of that hour watching her become engrossed in the storylines. Her facial expressions often mirror the emotions of the characters on the screen; something I don't think she's aware of at all, but I find it adorable. A small smile tugs on the corners of her lips when something good happens and her lower lip sticks out and her brow furrows when a storyline changes, taking on a direction she doesn't like. I categorically hate soaps but I could listen to her talk about them for hours.

Sometimes when the soaps are over we talk; well she talks and I listen intently, occasionally voicing a word or too if i feel like it. It's almost perfect, this little routine of ours. The only problem is that after I fall asleep, safely wrapped in her arms, I have to wake up and remember where we are.

"I really hate this place," I tell her one night as the end credits of Eastenders roll on the screen. She looks at me with sympathetic eyes and sighs.

"I know you do babes."

"I want to go home," my voice cracks with emotion. I take a deep breath to compose myself.

"I want you home too," she replies. "This place isn't doing you any good."

"No shit," I scoff and she chuckles; it's kind of beautiful. We share a moment of meaningful eye contact. "Please, Katie...I just want to get out of this place."

"I'll talk to Anthea tomorrow, I promise," she assures me. I know she will I'm just not sure Anthea will be sold on the idea; as much as I know she hates seeing me in here, she thinks it's doing some good. I smile at Katie and the subject is dropped. I nuzzle into the crook of her neck, feeling my eyes grow heavy as she begins telling me about Emily and Naomi's preparations for their trip.

The next day Tony arrives early, before mum has even got out of work; probably wants to engage in his new favourite hobby, observing his psychotic sister and her best friend/unlikely nurse maid. He tells us that Michelle's exam went well and she'll be coming up to visit tomorrow. He seems genuinely excited at the thought; it's obvious he has missed her. It makes me happier than ever that they worked their relationship out. It wasn't easy, Tony fucked with her head so much, and that was before he got hit by a bus. I can't wait to see Michelle, I'm almost certain she and Katie will get on like a house on fire. It might actually be the first time that Katie meets someone who knows as much about celebrity gossip as she does. It strikes me as amusing how Tony and I have ended up with such similar girls in our lives, although I'm not sure when I started referring to Katie as the girl in my life.

"Tony," Katie begins, wringing her hands together, searching for her words. "How do you think your mum would feel about bringing Effy home?"

"Home?" he repeats, clearly shocked by her question. That was probably the last thing he expected to hear today.

"Yes, home," she nods. "This place is shit and it's not like it's doing her any good!"

"Can't say I disagree with you there," he remarks, his eyes flick towards me, catching mine and giving me a sympathetic look.

"She fucking hates it here. She just wants to go home...I think...she would do better at home," she sighs softly after her passionate rant. Obviously she wants to get away from this place as much as I do.

Tony considers this information for a minute, I can practically see the wheels moving inside his brain trying to put things together the way only the mind of a Stonem can. He looks from me to Katie and back a few times before lowering his head and nodding slightly.

"You're probably right," he admits. Katie smiles victoriously.

"So will you talk to your mum about bringing her home then?" she asks, giving him the puppy dog eyes. If he can resist those he clearly has some superhero capabilities I don't know about.

"Why don't you talk to her? You are Effy's chief nurse after all," he challenges. I feel his eyes on me waiting for a reaction to his blatant goading, all he gets it my gritted teeth and a forced neutral expression.

"I just thought it might be better if you ask her," she shrugs. He agrees to talk to Anthea about getting me the fuck out of this place and the conversation returns to a much lighter topic, Tony's course or something innocuous like that. The afternoon proceeds like every other afternoon I've spent here with Tony and Katie, they talk, I listen and exchange looks, that is until Katie receives a phone call from her Mum which she leaves the room to take.

Tony casts one look at me and I know he's been waiting for this moment all day. He wants to interrogate me; something he can't do in front of Katie or Anthea, so he's seizing his opportunity. He shoots me a smile designed to disarm lesser beings, those without Stonem blood. I stare back at him coolly, knowing full well what he's trying to do. I don't think he has ever been so well-matched before; we're much too alike for this to be easy.

"You like her." It's a statement rather than a question. I tilt my head and look at him.

'_Obviously'_ I say with my eyes.

"It's more than that though," he adds, lines of frustration writing themselves on the pale skin of his forehead as he tries to figure out how the pieces fit together, trying to make sense of something I can't even make sense of; my feelings for Katie.

"Do you love her?" he asks, shock and confusion replacing the frustration on his face. My eyes widen and my heart stops at the suggestion. So far I've managed to avoid that idiotic notion in my own thoughts, dismissing the very idea of it as ridiculous, but hearing Tony say it catches me off guard; I can't help but react. I work quickly to replace my mask of indifference but I know it's already too late. He saw it. He was looking right into my eyes and he seen it and now I can only fruitlessly try to lie to him, to cover it up.

"Effy Stonem," he slowly shakes his head, smirking at me, almost like he's gloating.

"Sorry about that," Katie walks back into the room completely unaware of what has happened in her absence. I nervously look at Tony to make sure he's not going to say anything to her and he rolls his eyes in response. He may be a manipulative bastard and a complete prick at the best of times but he always has my back. "I swear to God I have no idea why my mother thought it would be a good idea to open a wedding planning business because honestly she hasn't got a shiny fucking clue about how to run it."

She ends her rant dropping dramatically into the armchair beside my bed causing Tony and I to laugh. The sound fills the air and makes me realise how nice the sound is.

"Lucky she has you then, eh Katie?" Tony winks at her. Sometimes my brother is too fucking charming for his own good.

Anthea doesn't say anything when Tony brings up the subject of me coming home, not right away at least. She sits in contemplative silence as if waiting for the words to sink into her brain. Everyone in the room is silent, the tension rising with every second as they wait to hear her verdict. I know she's uncertain. I'm probably the only person in this room who understands why; she's the only one who knows what it was like the last time I left a place like this. It's all very well and good when I'm safe in the hospital where there are doctors on hand to administer drugs if I get out of control or I suffer an episode. At home it's not quite the same and Anthea's the only one who knows that.

"I...I don't know," she mutters softly. There's visible pain in her eyes when she looks at me apologetically. I nod back at her to show her I understand.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Tony demands.

"I mean are you sure that's the best thing for her?" she replies calmly.

"Of course it's the best thing for her," he scoffs. "She's not getting any better here is she?"

"But at least she's safe!" she says firmly, the emotion showing in her dull blue eyes. She sighs and her shoulders drop. "This place might be a shit hole but there's just so much stuff out there that could hurt her, that could send her straight back to the edge...there's so much I can't protect her from. At least if she's here she's looked after...she's protected from it."

"Yeah, by Katie!" he argues. Katie head up from the spot on the ground she had been staring at previously and her eyes widen from the shock of being fired into the conversation like a weapon.

"Katie can't always be there for her," her voice breaks slightly. "None of us can! And none of us can know what's going on inside her head! Look I want her home as much as you do but we have to make sure that it's what's best for Effy."

Just as my heart starts to sink at the prospect of spending another few weeks trapped inside this prison Katie speaks up. "I think she's ready to leave," she says quietly. "I mean...I don't think she'd have asked to go home if she didn't think she was ready for it."

"Asked?" Anthea's brow furrows as she looks at Katie.

"Wait...she spoke to you?" Tony asks. Katie nods.

"Just a few words here and there," she shrugs. "I'm sorry, I probably should have told you..."

"No don't be sorry!" Anthea assures her looking as relieved as a death row prisoner who has just received a pardon. "You have nothing to be sorry for it's a good thing. It's good that she talks to you."

Tony uses this opportunity to shoot me a smug and amused look. I don't even have time to roll my eyes back at him because I'm too focused on the conversation between Katie and Anthea, my fate resting on the outcome.

"And she told you?" Anthea asks. "She said she's ready to come home?"

"She said she _wants_ to go home," Katie replies honestly. "I think she'll do better at home. And I _will_ be there for her; as much as I possibly can I'll be there."

"I know you will," Anthea smiles warmly at her, at my saviour. "Well I best go find a doctor then hadn't I?"

Tony's face breaks into a genuine smile and Katie grins at me like the cat that ate the canary. I feel myself smile too, the happiness pulling on the corners of my lips and I'm powerless to stop it. My heart feels like it has suddenly sprouted wings and is about to fly right out of my chest. It's a sensation I'm not used to feeling without illegal substances coursing through my veins.

"You must be pretty special Katie Fitch," Tony tells her.

"Me?" she shakes her head. "Not really."

"Well, Effy clearly thinks so," he shrugs and she smiles nervously. He is right though. I do think she's special. I think she's nothing short of amazing. I might not know how she makes me feel better when medication fails me. I might not know why she's stuck around me for so long trying to make me feel better. I do know, however, that I'm fucking glad she has and I'm going to continue to bask in her ever comforting presence until she gets sick of hanging around a nutcase and leaves me.

Anthea returns with the doctor following close behind her shaking his head.

"Mrs Stonem if you would please just listen to what I have to say?" he says impatiently.

"I'm not interested in what you have to say," she tells him bluntly. Katie and I exchange an amused glance as we watched her claw into Dr. Dickhead. "I told you I'm taking my daughter home and that's just what I'm going to do."

"I'm really not sure that's a good idea," he began, casting a disapproving glance in my direction. "Elizabeth clearly still needs more...treatment."

"No offense, doctor," Anthea smirks at the word, "but you're treatment isn't fucking working! So I am removing my daughter from your care and there's bugger all you can do about it."

Dr Dickhead opens and closes his mouth a few times, looking exceptionally like a goldfish out of its bowl, before deciding saying anything would be a waste of time. He lets out a low growl of displeasure as he storms out of my room, presumably to get my discharge papers and necessary prescriptions.

"Get you stuff together love...we're going home," Anthea positively beams at me. For the first time in well over a year her eyes sparkle when she smiles. Katie is grinning excitedly too; her phone is in her hand, fingers frantically moving across the keypad, sharing the good news of my release no doubt.

I'd love to detail the drive home from the hospital, to describe the profound feeling of freedom I experienced as we drove away from that prison for the mentally ill but the truth is we were home, standing outside the front door before I even realised it. The house was a bit of a state; mum had been too busy spending all her time with her crazy daughter in the mental institute to tidy up. She begins to apologise for the mess from the minute we step through the door. I don't know about Katie and Tony but I honestly don't give a fuck about the mess, I'm just thrilled to be home.

Anthea heads towards the kitchen to make tea and sandwiches and anything else anyone might want while Tony carries my bag up to my room. He opens the door and walks on in with Katie following behind him. I stop in the doorway and take a deep breath. For the first time since the plans were put in motion to bring me home I feel afraid. The "what ifs" start to creep into my thoughts; what if I can't manage outside the hospital, what if I have another episode, what if I'm so crazy everyone around me runs away and I'm left all alone? I feel the onset of panic starting but Katie's voice sounds, cutting through all the doubts and fears.

"Well hurry up then," she sighs impatiently. "Fuck sake!"

With a small laugh I finally step over the threshold and look around. It hasn't changed much since the last time I got out of hospital. The big board with my daily instructions on it will need to be wiped clean and re-done. I'm a bit disappointed by it really; I thought it would feel more like home, that there would be a feeling of safety evoked by these four walls but it appears to be absent. My heart sinks a bit, at least until I look towards my bed where Katie is unpacking Pato and Cody and placing them against the pillows of my bed. Suddenly those feelings I'd been looking for finally arrive. I can't help but chuckle when she pulls the blanket up around them to keep them warm. Yeah; now it feels like home.


End file.
